My Memories of 9/11 and My visit to Ground Zero

9/11 was a Tuesday morning, I remember it so clearly, like it was last week.  It was the start of NY Fashion Week.  Monday the night before was the BCBG fashion show.  I was working for BCBG at the time and was supposed to be in NYC for the fashion show. 

At the time I was in the middle of a divorce from my first husband.  On the Friday before,  he told me he had agreed to a shortened escrow on our sold house and was moving out of our house on Tuesday and my “stuff” would be left on the front lawn that day if I wanted it.  I canceled my trip to NY.  We  usually flew to NY on Saturdays for better rates.  Saturday Night, my boss Max Azria, called to say, ‘where are you?’  I told him I had canceled my trip.  He said, ‘you can take the red eye tonight and still be here tomorrow.’    I begged off and didn’t go.  Max and 27 of my co-workers were stuck in NY for a couple of weeks after 9/11 with the flights canceled. 

Tuesday morning, my mom called when she saw the news about the first plane,  she thought I was in NY.  I turned on the TV and saw the 2^nd plane hit and fear hit the pit of my stomach.   Nevertheless, I got up and went to the house to deal with my ex.  Everything had been disconnected there, so I spent the day moving and sorting our stuff and missed most of the news coverage, until later that night.  It seemed surreal.  I had heard my co-workers were ok, although trapped there.  Of course the press of our fashion show was non-existent which seemed ironic since we had seriously considered not doing a runway show that year due to tough economics.   I was grateful to have missed that trip.

I was running the private label division at the time and a few weeks later I had scheduled appointments in NY with Express and New York and Co.  Not many people were traveling yet due to fear and my willingness to go to NY and to keep working, got me record setting business with our customers in the couple of weeks I was in NY.  

On my second or third evening I was supposed to go visit a store and office of one of my customers.  It was downtown.  The cab driver drove me down and we got to a point that was barricaded and he said, I can’t take you any further, you’ll have to walk.    I wasn’t really sure where I was going and as I continued walking I entered the blocks surrounding ground zero.  I forgot my destination as I was mesmerized by the thickening layer of dust on every surface and the unusual smell.  Every window, and pole and scaffolding was covered with “missing” flyers where loved ones had posted in the slim hope that someone would find their family member.  The realization that all these people were gone felt like a building nausea in my stomach. 

Before I knew it I found myself standing in front of the makeshift fence staring into the guts of ground zero.  The magnitude of the devastation was overwhelming, the clang of the clean up crews non stop.  But the most overwhelming was the smell.  It’s hard to describe in words, but I will never forget it.  I had never smelled death before now but the air was thick with it.  It was an obnoxious blend of molten steel, fire, concrete, debris, dirt and decay.  I gagged and pulled my shirt over my nose and mouth.   I don’t know how long I stood there, as I could not pull off my eyes off the tangle of what was once a fantastic monument.  It wasn’t that long ago that I had spent a birthday dining and dancing at the Windows on the World on the top of the World Trade Center.   I imaged those people and the bustle of people I normally see in NY, now buried deep in the rubble forever.  My heart wept for them and their families.  If they would have let me,  I would have climbed over that fence and dug with bare hands to find even one.  I watched the men sift through the mess and felt honored to have witnessed their bravery and selfless giving at this time.

It’s hard to believe that 10 years has gone by from that day, I’ve experienced SO MUCH in that time as I look back.  Not long after that I left BCBG and went to work as VP of product development for a couple of years at Max Studio, then I met Rick and got engaged and married again.  I tried 2 big adventures in small business ownership with Pocket JJacks and Minx Fashion Shoppe.  I played a lot of poker and traveled with Lupe and the LIPS tour.  A couple of years ago I moved to Vegas and bounced around till I found a job to call home as Men’s Fashion Buyer.  My dad died last year and all my siblings are in major trouble. I’ve cherished my good friends and my husband, while struggling with some new friendships. In the last year, we bought a new house, a new car,  and a new puppy.  I hope that 10 years from now, I can say, Not much has changed in the last 10 years, just coasting.   

The smell of rain and desert dirt feels fresh and new.  To the families of 9/11, I wish tenderness for your past, courage for your present and hope for your future.